Monday, September 14, 2009

Da Bums

Let me begin on a high note . . . the chili was awesome! It may still have some room left for improvements, minor adjustments in the spice quantities, but it is a giant leap forward beyond what was already an outstanding recipe.

That’s where the joy ends. The chili was the highlight of my night. As all my Chicago Bear bobble heads stand with their noses to the wall, thinking about what they’ve done, let me share some revelations with you. Actually, they are less revelations and more confirmations of things I already knew. For your reading pleasure, I give you the top 10 reasons the next 14 Sundays, 1 Monday and a Thursday will miserable.

10. Patrick Mannley – Our usually trustworthy long snapper seems to have suffered a massive brain injury over the summer. Why else would he have audibled to a trick play while deep in Green Bay’s territory and his team only up by a deuce? If I can’t even rely on ‘ole Pat, who can I trust?

9. The Offensive Line – How many yards from scrimmage did Matt Forte have last year? Ooh, that’s right, lots. But the O-line could only find room for him to scamper for 55 yards on 25 carries? Add that to the two times Cutler was sacked and the numerous hurries, our franchise quarterback and our potentially franchise running back may not survive the year.

8. Brian Urlacher’s Wrist – After hearing all the talk about how he’s finally healthy, why wouldn’t he get hurt again?

7. Lance Briggs – Did he even play? Really, I’m not sure . . . I don’t remember hearing his name once last night. I couldn’t resist and checked the stats. 3 tackles, and the rest are zeros. Not quite pro bowl numbers.

6. Thursday Night Football – Why do I have to watch a Bears game on the NFL Network? All I remember from last year’s torturous episode was the non-stop commercials and color commentator promos advertising the next awful game that useless channel would host. Plus, what then am I to do with my Sunday of that week? (Want a hint? Take a peek at Number 4.)

5. Nathan Vasher – How is it that the Bears begin another season with nobody who can cover a wide receiver? (I know you can argue ‘Peanut’ Tillman’s prowess, but why would the other team bother throwing his direction with the feast of ineptness the other way?) So we can all look forward to Mr. Vasher tripping over his own feet as the winning touchdown floats over his dizzy head.

4. Adrienne Peterson – Oddly, this downer in my Sundays may also be a lonely upper. I’m not speaking of the semi-capable Bears third string back, I’m talking about the Viking man playing against boys. He is an absolute stud! While I love to watch him stop on a dime, throw a defender aside with one arm, then continue on for a touchdown (if you haven’t seen that highlight, watch yourself some ESPN today), he is truly just another reminder of Chicago’s foibles and all the proof I need that our season is in vain.

3. Jay Cutler – I cannot lay all the blame on Jay. If I were, he would not be sitting down here at number three. However, 4 picks? Not a good start!

2. Stupid Bears Fans – While I often enjoy listening to Chicago sports radio, there are some true idiots out there. I will have all week to hear how they think the Cutler acquisition was a bad idea. They will point out how Kyle Orton managed to throw a game winning touchdown (oblivious of the fact it was a pinball completion) and cry that we never should have gotten rid of ‘Sexy Rexy.’ While I am not proud of what Mr. FourinterceptionsinhisdebutwiththeBears did, I know that our team is infinitely better with him as their gunslinger. Unfortunately, I am not strong-willed enough to turn off the radio and not listen.

1. Cut-Off Routes – While I could have picked the wide receivers in general, I chose to leave out their inexperience, their inability to get open and their history of dropping passes and just focus on this one aspect. While Jay goes on the stat sheet having thrown four interceptions, how many of those interceptions were because a receiver made a move one way, then decided to change his mind . . . after Jay had already made his up and thrown the ball? I guess this is why I still have faith in Mr. Cutler. As a real quarterback, he knows the receivers as open, even if they don’t think they are. Unfortunately, I don’t have faith in their ability to learn. I mean, when your number one receiver is only that in name and this season’s most open receiver (Earl Bennett) didn’t make a single catch last year, there isn’t much to have faith in.

Of course, I still can’t wait until next Sunday!

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